end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
