My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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