In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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