There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
