Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
