Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
