I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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