Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Mom said you looked used
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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