Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
