I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
