He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
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Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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