Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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