Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
