I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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