i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
