Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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