I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
