Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
