One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
