I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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