I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize