Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
