So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
