My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
