Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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