Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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