I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
