Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
