just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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