I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
