OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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