No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
