i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
