dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
