meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
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And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?