I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
