I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
