Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
be right there i have to get my cape
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
