I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
