I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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