my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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