dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
