bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We left the knife in your bed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
