Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
