why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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