i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
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You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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