shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
