I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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