I faked an abortion last night.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
