the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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