i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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