Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
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I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have tasted many bathrooms
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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