Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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