Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
