she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
