why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He had one of those small greek statue penises
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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