Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
